Back to School (or not)

Written by Kristin Greco, MSW & Edited by Madia Javid-Yazdi, M.Ed.

After falling upon the childlike and mindful wisdom quoted by Winnie the Pooh, I became acutely aware I had not experienced a “favourite day” in far too long.  

One of my colleagues said it well: never in our lives (collectively) as therapists have we also experienced the exceptional thing that brings our clients into our offices. 

I do not wish to negate the horror and trauma of living through times of war and other individual or collective terror. I am aware of the privilege I occupy and the level of safety that I can control in my own life. However, I am deeply cognizant of the cumulative, intergenerational trauma this global pandemic may well have on us as individuals and as a collective.

A few days ago, my 10-year-old son curled himself next to me. He rolled his legs up against his chest and buried his head into my shoulder. A behaviour that (pre-pandemic) would have been unusual for him. I nestled into him, wrapped my arms around him, and peered down at his face. Unable to see his eyes or hear any utterances from him, I noticed tears running down his cheeks. In that moment, I knew it was another “sad day” for him (as he has begun to identify them as such). It is a day that he acknowledges as “missing.” Missing what, he cannot verbalize. I understand it’s tricky to put into words the things he might not think he would miss; the longing for normalcy (sometimes even redundant or mundane in its nature) that he once knew. His behaviour reflects a collective grief that is stretching across the globe, digging its roots deep into the lenses through which we see the world, and ourselves within it. But the complexity of these roots, and their characteristics are entirely different for each of us.

How will this pandemic emotionally affect us and our children? What might our stories about this time sound like? As parents and caregivers, how do we cultivate emotional wellness during a period of collective grief and uncertainty? As school approaches, after almost six months of closure, I asked (with parental permission and assistance) several elementary aged children (including my own) some questions. I wanted to identify whether there might be a trend in their responses. My hope is that I might suggest some strategies; providing parents and children with a greater sense of control during a time where (for some) there feels to be little. 

How would/do you feel about going back to school? 

“Scared, nervous, I would want to stay safe.”

“Nervous I would get Covid.”

“I wouldn’t feel safe. The masks are so uncomfortable, and you have to itch yourself. I don’t think it’s safe because there is so much kids in the school.”

“Super excited about school, but a bit worried about COVID. I just want kids to stay 6 feet away and not make a joke about it. I’m worried someone will spit at me or something.”

*See all other responses at the bottom of the blog

What would make you feel better/safe?

“Wear a hazmat suit.”

“Getting a good mask.”

“Making a good plan at home.”

“Going to a private school with not so many kids.”

*See all other responses at the bottom of the blog

As a clinician, I am aware “what if” thinking can be unhelpful in many circumstances. However, there is currently a lot of validity to the “what if” scenarios that are trickling through our children’s minds. It is obvious from these responses that, like adults, children ought to experience a certain amount of control to feel safe and secure. Apprehension or nervousness, in response to a huge shift in routine, are completely reasonable feelings to have, and must be validated by parents to cultivate emotional wellness and smooth transitions. 

Here are some suggestions for parents to help prepare their children:

CALMING CONVOS

Sit with your child to discuss what they think will be the same and what they think will be different about returning to school. Do not be apprehensive about initiating conversations about going back to school or not going back to school. The absence of a discussion will increase the likelihood for a more challenging transition.

TOTES AND TOYS

• Write out a list of mantras or choose an object, toy, or stuffy to send in your child’s backpack to snuggle, smell, or look at. Our children (especially the little ones) require hugs, hands to hold, and physical contact throughout their day.
• Make a “What To Do If” list with your child and send it with them to school in their backpacks to reduce nervousness and build confidence/control. For example: What to do if they need to itch their face; what to do if they feel like someone is too close to them. If you do not have a solution for a “what if” it’s okay to tell your child that you are unsure, but discuss how you will help them problem solve prior to or during the first week of school.

DO YOUR HOMEWORK

Find out as much as you can prior to the start of school. For example: who is your child’s teacher, what are the new policies and procedures? The school board is aware of the spectrum of emotional needs for children right now and you are your child’s advocate. Do not be afraid to call your school administrators if you and your child need clarity.

OK TO NOT BE OK

• Remind your child it is normal to feel nervous about COVID, but few people get very sick and you expect most people to be ok if they contract the virus.
• Explain that life will not be like this forever, and it is important for your child to talk to you or someone they trust about what (if anything) is worrying them. 
• Review your child’s strengths. Remind them they are brave even if they do not feel that way. Starting a new year of school is always an adventure; now more than ever. 

YOU’RE NOT ON TRIAL 

If you (as a caregiver or parent) feel anxious or uncertain about your back to school decision, you are not the only one. These are legitimate feelings to have during this time. There is no collective right decision. That is why it is essential to choose the best scenario for your family — without openly or passively expressing judgement, or making remarks on the decisions others have made.

TEAM EFFORT

Although we want to cultivate and support the emotional wellness of our children, it is just as important to cultivate that of our own. Talk to friends, talk to a therapist, write down the aspects in your life that you can control. Without caring for ourselves, our children will suffer the consequences.

I once had a supportive and influential educator remind me “no plan is a good one unless it can be changed.” I am, now more than ever, seeking to notice and identify the occurrence of (however small) favourite moments or event(s) observed in my day. It is not always easy to achieve this; I hold grief and uncertainty that is my own, as well as that of my three children. 

Let us remember the wise words of Winnie the Pooh as often as possible. Ask yourself, “What day is it?” It is today, and it may not be your favourite day, but there may be (however simple or small) a glimmer or a flash of something that was your favourite.

—

Additional responses: 

How would/do you feel about going back to school?

“I didn’t go back to school for a while, and I would want to tell my parents that I don’t want to go back. Wearing a mask would feel bad because I always need to itch my face.”

“It will not be the same as before, so it is going to suck in general.”

“Mad because no computer in the morning.”

“I’m a little nervous about going back because I’m scared of bringing the virus back home to my mom. But I understand that it’s better for me to learn at school and to have interaction with my school friends. I’m also a little nervous about wearing a mask all day.”

“Don’t want to wear a mask all day.”

“Feel ok. Masks are annoying and bug me.”

“I don’t want to go back, masks are stupid. I am worried I won’t be able to see my friends if they are in the other class and they don’t let us hang out together at recess, then what’s the point?!”

What would make you feel better/safe?

“Making a plan would be good.”

“If the kids were in smaller groups.”

“Making a plan with mommy and daddy.”

“I would feel better knowing who my teacher will be and knowing that I have some friends in my class. I would also like to still be able to interact with friends not in my class outside at recess and lunch. Maybe we could wear visors at recess if playing with a friend not in our class group.”

“What to do if I need to itch my face.”

“Knowing who my teacher will be.”